The pressure to orgasm creates anxiety, discomfort and fear related to sex. And it impacts heterosexual women the most. It’s time to ask why?
We need to unpack the pressure to orgasm and the orgasm gap because these numbers are bleak. Not sure if you’ve seen the studies but apparently heterosexual women only orgasm 65% of the time and only 25% of women report orgasming consistently from vaginal intercourse. Conversely, gay men and lesbian women report orgasming 88% and 86% of the time respectively. Between bisexual men and women, bisexual men orgasm 89% of the time with bisexual women orgasming only 66% of the time with male partners. Straight men definitely lead the pack though, reportedly orgasming 95% of the time. So what gives? Why are women with male sexual partners getting the short end of the stick?
How Do Someone Achieve the Big O?
As you can probably guess, women who report orgasming more tend to:
- Have oral sex performed on them for considerable periods of time
- Wear lingerie, send flirty texts about sexual desires and communicate their sexual fantasies with their partners
- Their partners make clitoral stimulation a priority
- They feel comfortable with sex talk and communicating their needs in bed.
- Have sex for longer periods of time
- Stay satisfied in their relationship/sexual hookup
But it’s not just on the women. Let’s talk about the pressure to orgasm.
To me, the pressure to orgasm, while occasionally well-intentioned, stems from the male ego.
Let me put it you this way, fellas (my cisheterosexual male readers), have you ever been in a situation where you’re performing oral sex on your partner or maybe you’re having vaginal intercourse, and you ask your partner if they came. They say no. Suddenly you make it your mission to make them cum.
It’s been 10 minutes of you performing oral sex or having intercourse with your partner, and you say, “Are you gonna cum for me? Cum for me baby.” BUT, this isn’t just sex talk for you. You genuinely get upset when they don’t cum. You are perplexed. Confused. It threatens your manhood and bruises your ego.
I am here to tell you: IT AINT ABOUT YOU BOO BOO!
Think of Your Partner’s Pleasure Just As Much As You Think of Yours
When it comes to female pleasure, it really is the journey, not the destination. Naturally, as you listen to your partner and learn what they like, it will become easier to make them cum. You might reach a point where you can get them to achieve orgasm like clockwork. However, in the beginning stages of any sexual interaction, particularly with women, it could be a lot harder to achieve an orgasm and that is okay.
When you bring your ego into this and make your partner feel bad for not cumming that causes and adds to the pressure to orgasm.
The pressure to orgasm whether caused by your own discomfort or your partner making it imperative that you cum, actually causes you to do the opposite. When we feel pressure to orgasm we can experience anxiety in sexual interactions like racing thoughts and an inability to be present in the moment, we can tense up -which means down there tenses up as well, we feel uncomfortable and overall, just cannot cum.
The Pressure Reinforces Feelings of Brokenness
What’s worse is the pressure to orgasm actually makes women feel bad for not cumming as well. It can make you feel like your vagina is broken because you haven’t cum from your partner essentially DJing on your clitoris. Okay, that was harsh BUT the reality is, the clitoris is not just a button you press to make women cum. Moreover, just because you spend 20 minutes performing oral sex on someone, do not expect that that is enough to create the equivalent of Niagara Falls between your partner’s legs. That’s not how it works.
The problem is there is an emphasis on cumming probably stemming from the fact that for the longest while sexual pleasure was centered around the experience of cisgender, heterosexual males. I mean, how many of us thought that sex ended when the man came?
The problem is we haven’t been taught about different forms of pleasure outside of a cisgender, heterosexual male experience. Women for the longest while were just supposed to satisfy their partners, not be satisfied themselves.
The vagina is not this elusive wild thing that is simply incomprehensible to the men in our lives. That’s not it at all. Rather, this language around sex of “I’m going to make you cum and if you don’t cum, I’ve failed” is the issue. That leads to women faking orgasms for the sake of their partner’s feelings and also feeling anxious at the fact that they can’t orgasm from their partner.
How Do We Get Rid of The Pressure to Orgasm?
So what’s the solution? We want to make our partners feel like this:
How do we get there??
Take the pressure off and listen to what YOUR PARTNER WANTS! That doesn’t mean you can’t say sexual phrases like “cum for me baby” or “I wanna make you cum,” etc… But use your dirty talk to add to the experience rather than add undue pressure. Moreover, add some more phrases to your sex talk vault that validate your partner. Tell them how good it feels to be having sex with them. Say they’re the best you’ve ever had. Moan into their ear how amazing they are in bed. Use your dirty talk to make them feel like they’re doing everything right and you’re having an amazing time and even more important, YOU’RE ENJOYING pleasing them whether or not they cum.
Listen to your partner and feel their body. Notice how they react. Notice their expressions. Ask them what they want and then actually DO IT or at least try to do it. Make your partner feel sexy and desired. Let them know that the sex you’re having right now whether that’s oral, vaginal or otherwise is the best thing since slice bread. Gas them. And take your ego out of it. Enjoy every moment and inch of your partner and I guarantee you’ll see a difference.
Remove The Pressure- It’s Not A Race
Sex is not a competition. Have fun. Enjoy foreplay and enjoy your partner. It’s really that simple folx.
Now go forth and make the women in your lives feel like this:
Also, ladies, DO NOT be afraid to ask what for what you want. Don’t fake it. If you don’t like what’s happening, be honest. Your pleasure is just as important. And if your sexual partner doesn’t understand that, I think it’s time you find a new partner🤷. Because somebody else will. Trust me.
Oh, and here’s your reminder to: 1) take your pill 2) wear condoms and 3) GET TESTED!!! Happy f***ing!