Self love and Healing

Hun, What Do You Really Want Out of Those Casual Hookups?

Casual hookups are all fun and games until someone catches feelings. If that someone is you, here’s why you need to re-evaluate what you want.

Typical story. You meet someone. They’re really cute. They say all the right things. You get excited when their name pops up on your phone. BUT, they only ever text you to “come over” and if you’re in the same vicinity at the same time, you’re never together or if you are, you’re just their friend. Not someone they’re dating, not their partner, y’all ain’t even really entangled. You’re just one of their casual hookups.

And you thought this wasn’t any different from your other casual hookups. But now, casual isn’t working anymore. You find yourself thinking of them more and more. You want to cuddle with them as much as you want to kiss. The idea of them flirting with other people irks you to no end and you wish that one day they’d just wake up and claim you.

And the affection they show you in private gives you enough hope that will happen.

But honey, and I say this with all the love and care in the world, that’s unrealistic. That’s what you want. Not what they want. It is important to recognize and address that your feelings have changed BUT, you’re doing yourself a disservice by staying with this person if casual sexual interactions are no longer what you want.

Casual Hookups Gone Awry

I’m writing this because I see it happen all too often. Casual hookups starting out casual and then somebody ends up wanting more. For example, I was talking to a friend and he had just introduced me to one of his other female friends. As soon as we started talking, this girl was going on and on about her guy and all the cute things they do together like watching Netflix๐Ÿ‘€and I really thought they were an item.

The next day, I was eating lunch with my friend and the boy that this girl was gushing over since their all in the same social circle. The second the girl’s name was brought up, albeit in a joking manner (red flag), he immediately and vehemently shoots back, “Yo, cool it. We’re not dating. We’re not dating, alright” shaking his head so hard I thought it was going to fall off.

Here I am, sitting there, just taking in the fact that this girl was literally spilling her guts about this dude the other day, blushing and all, and here he is, disgusted at even the slightest implication of commitment on his end. To him, she was just one of his many casual hookups. To her, they were involved.

Figure Out What You Need

This is where I think of the quote from Shan Boodram: “Never gamble with what you need in hopes of getting what you want.”

Trust me, we’ve all been there, dealing with players (waste men in my heterosexual case lol) and trying to toe the fine line between sexual encounters and feelings. It’s okay if you get to the point where you want both. Just be honest with yourself about that.

I remember there was this time I was hanging out with this dude on the regular and we’d kiss and what not (yktv lol), but that’s all I wanted him for: a cuddle and a few kisses. We bounced from his apartment to my dorm but that was alright to me. That was what I needed and what we both wanted. We never went out in public together because I wanted that privacy. The anonymity. The superficiality of it. I never ever wanted to date him and that never changed. Still hasn’t. That’s why our situation worked.

Be Honest About Whether or Not Casual Hookups Are What You Really Want

However, had I caught feelings, it would’ve been my obligation to reevaluate, express this to him, and then leave if it was not reciprocated.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when feelings can change but with casual hookups this is RARE. Probably because hookups tend to be based in the physical rather than an emotional and intellectual connection. That’s why it’s more likely for you to date a friend rather than someone you were only involved with sexually.

If you’re starting to gain feelings for your hookup outside your usual sexual desires, it’s time to think about what YOU want, not what they want. Don’t be afraid of them leaving or it ending. It will hurt, but it will be better in the long run rather than staying and getting caught up in feelings that aren’t reciprocated. After you realize what you want, whether that’s staying friends with benefits, a situationship, serious dating (exclusive or otherwise) or a full on romantic partnership, just be honest with yourself.

Communication is Key

Then TELL THEM. They could be feeling the same thing. It is unlikely but better an “oh well” than a “what if.” At least you’ll know where you stand with them and you won’t have any regrets about the situation.

After you and your sexual partner(s) talk, DO NOT under any circumstances put any meaning to the situation other than the words that THEY said. Do not project what you want to hear on them. Release the idea of what you and your partner(s) could be, exist in the reality of what you are. Stop trying to find a hidden meaning to what they say. If they’re honest and straightforward with you, understand their words and decide how to proceed based off of that and their energy when you were talking, nothing else.

Advice On Dealing With Players in Casual Hookups

As for the guys who could be playing games, if they say they’re on your wavelength, trust your intuition and make sure they’re not just saying what you want to hear in order to keep having access to you. From that point, look at their actions carefully and notice if anything changes. Observe how they talk about you to their friends and their energy around you. Are they checking in on your emotional needs as much as they are on your sexual ones. Do they care if you ate? Do they help you when you’re sick? Are y’all actually going on dates (outside of the bedroom/house๐Ÿ‘€)?

If you realize that your feelings cannot go back to what they were in the beginning and you just need to leave, please do it. Don’t stay and hurt yourself more. What is for you will be for you. While there will be challenges that arise in any relationship, you shouldn’t feel like you’re pulling teeth to get them to claim you.

Also, do not enter into casual hookups/friends with benefits situations in the hopes that it will change if that’s not what you want from the jump. You do not need a relationship that bad. Especially not one that doesn’t make you feel cared about in the way you desire and need.

Trust Your Intuition

If all else fails, remember this tweet and do this:

Another amazing person to follow on twitter (especially all my Black folx)

Have faith that you’re making the right decision because you are. Be SPECIFIC about what you want. I’m talking specific, specific. Outside of height and humor. Know how you want to be loved. Then let it go so it can manifest and come back to you. You will get what you want when the time is right. Trust.

Until then, say no to the situations and people no longer serving you.

To paraphrase Moesha: It’s only true love if they feel the butterflies too.