Grief Can Be A Guide Too If You Let It

One of the most profound parts of the human condition, if you live long enough, is learning to keep moving forward while bearing the weight of our losses. Going through the ebbs and flows that the stages of grief entail changes us.

Six years ago, I experienced my first significant loss. It cracked me open in ways I could never have anticipated, pulling the most guttural sounds of sadness from my body. In that moment, all I could do was think about how the world somehow felt more disconnected from me without the weight of that person in it. No show, no song, no food could soothe me. That was one of the few times when I had no choice but to sit in what I felt, letting the waves of it crash over me.

The loss has left its mark. I catch myself thinking about endings even when things are just beginning. I anticipate regret before my actions can catch up. And I isolate myself when I remember that joy and loss are sisters; that to live fully is to eventually grieve.

Out of the stages of grief, I am in acceptance. I have learned to carry my losses and deal with the waves. I still don’t know how to deal with the losses that have yet to come. But that certainly does not stop me from thinking about them.

I think about the “after” a lot: after this person passes, how would I feel about the choices I’ve made? About the choices I think I should have made. Reactions I had, words I said, pictures I should have taken.

Using Grief As A Guide Helps Us Live More Intentionally

In that way, I use my grief as a guide. A litmus test to remind me of, in this world filled with the superficial, what I hold dear. More often than I care to admit, I wish I could go back in time to conversations. Relive moments that felt ordinary then, but precious now.

Having experienced sudden death and deaths foretold, what has stuck with me the most is when someone you love deeply slowly becomes a version of themselves that is completely unrecognizable. In my stages of grief, I return to love. about how I can express my love in a way that eases their burden in the time we have left together.

Even so, in all my reflection, I know that you cannot outplan death. You can leave nothing left unsaid, take all the pictures, relish in the precious moments, and still become a shell of yourself at the end. Stages of grief never get any easier.

But we persist. And in doing so, we become more honest and more deliberate with our actions. We linger in the doorway. We reach out when it would be easier not to, choosing not to delay what we might one day wish we hadn’t. This is the part of grief I want to keep guiding me as loss shares a place on the mantle of my joys.

Stages of Grief Serve as a Reminder of Who We Are and What We Care About

Grief reminds us of what matters. It reminds us of our values. Who do we want to be when we look back on our lives? For me, it’s the difference between being the version of myself that is too tired to pick up the phone and the version of myself that answers even if it is just for two minutes and to simply say “I love you.”

After all, what is grief if not love persevering? But love is complicated. Sometimes it draws us closer; sometimes it requires distance. Sometimes it asks us to release guilt that was never ours to carry. To stop punishing ourselves for pain we did not create.

We cannot conquer grief, but we can learn to carry it. And be changed by it for the better.